This is for the grown-ups
Builds: Collaborative problem-solving
You already have the love. This is a few minutes of practice for the moves: trading one instinct, being the judge, for coaching that hands two kids the steps to fix it themselves. Pip the peace owl will guide you, and never shame you. No wrong grown-ups here, only warmer moves.
The storyteller reads to you. Just tap the big button.
Pip normally coaches the little ones through F.A.I.R. Today Pip turns and coaches you. You bring the love; Pip brings the steps.
Tap each move. Then, if you'd like, say one out loud. Rehearsing makes it ready.
Now YOU say it (optional): “Let's take one breath together.”
Say it out loud, like you mean it. Rehearsing makes them ready when the screaming starts.
🌿 Practice Meter
Do each part to practice the moves. 0/9
Read the meltdown. Notice the instinct. Rehearse the calmer moves.
Two little ones, Grace and Eli, are both clutching the same toy truck. Grabbing. Screaming. “MINE!” “I had it FIRST!” Your whole body wants to march over, pull it away, and announce who's right. That urge comes from love, and from wanting the noise to stop. Let's just slow it down for one second.
Pip says: Before you say a word, notice what's really happening. Tap to see.
What's really happening?
Say it: “The love is already there. Now the moves.”
Here's the quiet cost. When you swoop in and decide who gets the toy, the fight ends fast, but a lesson sneaks in behind it.
Pip says: Tap to see what kids slowly learn when a grown-up always referees.
What does refereeing quietly teach?
Say it: “Referee the fight, and they wait for a judge. Coach the fix, and they grow.”
This isn't just being hands-off. It's the whole point of F.A.I.R. Kids can do far more of this than we expect, when a calm grown-up holds the frame.
Pip says: Tap the key idea.
The one key idea
Say it: “Not the judge: the calm coach.”
The truck is still being yanked back and forth. Two red faces, two sets of tears building. Before anything else can happen, someone has to bring the temperature down. What do you do first?
Pip says: This is CALM. Settle yourself first, then them: your calm is contagious.
What do you do first?
Say it: “Let's take one breath together.”
The breath helped: the screaming has dropped to sniffles. Now Grace blurts, “He GRABBED it!” and Eli shouts, “She wasn't even using it!” Both look to you. What do you say?
Pip says: This is LISTEN. Hear both sides without picking a villain.
What do you say?
Say it: “I want to hear what happened, from each of you.”
You've heard both sides. Grace wanted to finish her ramp; Eli's been waiting a long time. Now comes the fix, and this is exactly where your hand wants to reach in and solve it. What do you say?
Pip says: This is FAIR. Don't hand down a verdict. Walk them through F.A.I.R.: name the Feelings, think of Alternatives, Identify one everyone likes, Resolve to try it.
What do you say?
Say it: “How could we make this fair for both of you?”
A week later. Same two kids, new toy, worse timing: you're tired, dinner's burning, and the screaming spikes out of nowhere. This is the hardest moment to get right, because the fastest path is RIGHT there: grab the toy, name a winner, end it. What do you choose?
Pip says: This is the whole practice in one moment. The tired, loud, no-time moment is exactly when the referee is most tempting, and exactly when coaching matters most.
What do you choose?
You won't always have a calm minute to think. So here's the pocket cheat-sheet: the three moves, ready to grab mid-meltdown.
Pip says: Tap each move and let it land. These are yours now.
Tap each move
Say it: “Calm first, listen to both, hand them the steps.”
Kids get good at this fastest when every grown-up in their world coaches the same way. Who else is in your children's corner?
Pip says: Pick how you'll pass it on.
Pick what you'll do
Say it: “Pass the peacemaker moves on.”
What this builds (transformative SEL): Collaborative problem-solving (“We solve it together”).
This practice teaches the harder half of conflict resolution: what the grown-up does while two kids are melting down over a toy. The instinct is to swoop in, decide who had it first, and hand down a verdict, and that instinct comes straight from love and a wish for peace. But refereeing robs kids of the very skill we want to build. The calmer path is to settle yourself and the children first, hear both sides without naming a villain, and walk the kids through the F.A.I.R. steps so THEY reach a fair fix, instead of judging it for them.
This is a practice tool for rehearsing skills, not therapy, counseling, or a clinical service. And it never shames the grown-up: the referee instinct comes from love; this is just practice for the moves.
Want the kid version? Open “Solving Problems With Friends” and read it with your kids: same CALM, LISTEN, FAIR steps, told from Pip's side.
Your privacy: if you use the optional “say it” recorder, your voice stays on this device: it is never saved, never uploaded, and it is gone when the page closes.
From The McCray Learning Lab. Elliott McCray, Ed.S.
This practice is private. Nothing is saved to a server and nothing is sent anywhere. The narration uses a recorded storyteller voice and only reads this page, never you. If you use the optional “say it” recorder, the recording stays on this device: it is never saved, never uploaded, and it is gone the moment you leave the screen or close the page. When you close the page, you start fresh.